Vocation

( 1st half originally written in June 26, 2011)

The word vocation comes from the Latin verb vocare, which means to call.  The term vocation was mainly used by Christians to refer to God's call on an individual, or to a community of people; vocation is now used more in the secular sense to refer to one's occupation.

This past weekend, I shared with a group of Duke undergrads, who are living in community for the summer, my journey into L'Arche and how it helped me to figure out God's call upon my life.  I tried to convey to the students that I see my vocation as a call or an invitation to a certain way of life, or a way of being.  

When I initially lived at L'Arche Daybreak for 10 weeks two summers ago, I knew that I was not done with L'Arche.  That summer at Dybreak helped me let go of false identities and false images of God, and helped me be more open to my brothers and sisters with intellectual disabilities, and those who are defined by our culture as "non-normative."  I also encountered the God of mystery, one that I did not know, and God that was beyond my human understanding. 

I have been at L'Arche DC for three weeks now.  I am still trying to be open to how the Holy Spirit is working in my life and trying to open my heart-mind bit by bit.  My mind initially resisted community life here by comparing L'Arche DC to Daybreak.  I realize now that I have to hold my experiences in Canada gently, so I do not idealize them to the point that they become a hindrance to living out my life here and now at a different L'Arche community.

I would like to close with a quote from Jean Vanier's Community and Growth:

To grow in love is to try each day to welcome, and to be attentive and caring for those whom we have the greatest difficulty; with our 'enemies'; those who are the poorest, the oldest, the weakest, the most demanding, the most ailing; those who are the most marginal in our community, who have the most difficulty conforming to the rules; and finally those who are the youngest.
  

If people are faithful to these four priorities of love then the community as a whole will be an oasis of love.  

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(2nd half written January 8, 2015)

It has been over three and a half years since I wrote the first half of this blog about vocation, and since then I have been doing a whole lot of growing.  I struggle to grow in love, as Jean Vanier defines it, which is to "welcome, and to be attentive and caring to those whom we have the greatest difficulty."  

I have experience with this sort of growth not just with people, but life transitions that redefine or sometimes sheds old identifications.  

I had to adjust my perspective of individuality, when I took vows of marriage in October 26, 2013.  I had to let go of my selfish ways, and realized that my choices and decisions now effect someone else in a very direct way; I had to learn how to share my life and talk through decisions that affected my wife.  

Few months ago, on November 11, 2014, my daughter was born.  The greatest difficulty I have sometimes is realizing that the world doesn't revolve around me, and there is no better teacher in the world than a new born to get you out of your selfishness.  My daughter becomes center stage, and not my own selfish needs and thoughts.  Of course, I say all this with a grain of sand, I need to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, and physically so I can show up fully for myself and my family.  I am not good to my daughter or my wife, when I am full of fear, resentments, and cranky because I have not eaten all day or taken care of my other needs.  All in all, I am learning to be responsible.  

What does this have to do have to do with vocation?  As I wrote before, the word vocation comes from the Latin verb vocare, which means to call.  God has called me to be a husband, and now a father to my daughter.  I am working on vocation as a profession as well, and hope to eventually follow my calling by exploring hospice chaplaincy.  But for now, I am called to be a stay at home dad and care for my daughter, my wife, and my home.  

I hope to also be a good member of the Religious Society of Friends, more commonly known as Quakers, and "let my life speak" as Quakers say.

A lot of my own vocation has to do with little moments, where I show up to myself and others without any expectations for pay or anything back in return.  I give of myself freely and without expectations, and in that moment I have truly fulfilled my calling.       

Unlearning and Learning

"You must unlearn what you have learned," and

"Always pass on what you have learned."

--Yoda

I always found great wisdom coming out of a green puppet in the voice and movements of puppeteer Frank Oz, who also brought Fuzzy Bear to life.  Instead of a puppet, or as the cute yet grumpy green alien of Star Wars, I think of Yoda as a Taoist sage.  Like all other great sages, Yoda speaks in paradoxes and more lies in how he is being than all his sayings and doings.  

Chuck C. wrote in his book, New Pair of Glasses, that the spiritual journey is about "uncovering, discovering, and discarding."  A lot of healing can take place in unlearning or discarding the negative messages we learned as children.  We are also bombarded with an unconscious so i message that our value lies in what we can produce, and not on who we are and how we are being.  The journey of unlearning can thus teach us a lot, and them we can pass on that experience of unlearning to someone else.  In the process of unlearning and discarding some of my old stories, I have learned more and more that I do not have to earn someone's love.  I am loved for me with all my failings, weakness, and strength.  

My wife and I are currently about to embark in radical adventure.  She will be going back to work full time and in two weeks I will stay home and take care of our 2 month year old daughter.  I am really happy with this decision, but I had some butterflies in my stomach as I handed in my 2 weeks notice today.  Who am I as a man if I am not providing financially for my family?  I realize that within that question lies assumptions and values that predate my existence, and it assumes that "work" or being present to someone you love is less valuable than earning a pay check.  I am grateful that some of the unlearning I had to do I discovered at L'Arche, where I experienced a community where a human life is valuable not for his/her capacity for production, but for the natural human need for giving and receiving love.  Some people call L'Arche, the school of the heart; at a L'Arche home I uncovered my own brokenness, and discovered that it's ok to be human.  No community is perfect, but it was a place that helped me grow with its own failings and strengths.  

 I hope my journey with my community of my daughter and my wife will help me be a more full and whole person.  I am also grateful for other communities that I am part of that hold me in the Light.

Transformation

"Nobody knows how the kindling flame of life and power leaps from one life to another. What is the magic quality in a person which instantly awakens faith? You listen to a hundred persons unmoved and unchanged: you hear a few quiet words from the man with the kindling torch and you suddenly discover what life means for you forevermore."--Rufus Jones, Quaker historian, theologian and philosopher (Rufus Jones: Essential writings by Rufus Jones, Kerry Walters).

Jones puts words to a subject that I've pondered about, what makes people change?  My friend HyunSoak pointed out in seminary that he knew a church member that prayed and prayed, but she never seemed to change.  How does faith awaken that radically changes someone from the inside out?

My own experience of inner and outer transformation came not out of choice, but out of necessity.  I was in a deep place of pain, and either I could give up my life all together or choose to change.  It did not hurt that I fell apart at a faith community called L'Arche in DC, where I found a safe place in which to fall apart.

I choose to incorporate some time of silence and solitude to ignite the "kindling flame."  On most days, I barely feel a spark let alone a flame.  It has been more difficult to make time for silence and solitude as I welcome our almost 2 months old daughter.  How do I awaken faith in the midst of my very ordinary life?  I hope to uncover and discover this as I keep experiencing life and writing about it.