Gratitude

True spiritual gratitude embraces all of our past, the good as well as the bad events, the joyful as well as the sorrowful moments. From the place where we stand, everything that took place brought us to this place, and we want to remember all of it as part of God's guidance. That does not mean that all that happened in the past was good, but it does mean that even the bad didn't happen outside the loving presence of God.

It is very hard to keep bringing all of our past under the light of gratitude. There are so many things about which we feel guilt and shame, so many things we simply wish has never happened. But each time we have the courage to look at "the all of it" and to look at it as God looks at it, our guilt becomes a happy guilt and our shame a happy shame because they have brought us to a deeper recondition of God's mercy, a stronger conviction of God's guidance, and a more radical commitment to a life in God's service.

Once all of our past is remembered in gratitude, we are free to be sent into the world to proclaim good news to others. ---Henri Nouwen, Here and Now

Ever since I can remember, I felt things too deeply.  My feelings and thoughts were so overwhelming, and constantly playing in my head and steadily getting louder and louder.  In high school, friends of mine invited me to a party and I had my first taste of beer.  I hated the taste of cheap beer, but a funny thing happened; I loved how alcohol made me feel, so I ended up drinking way too much that night, and threw up in the bathroom.  I mentally promised myself I would never drink this much again, but the next chance I got, I drank too much.  I realize now, I loved the feeling being drunk made me, it gave me a sense of ease and comfortable, and gave me relief from my intense feelings and thoughts.  As I grew older, I unknowingly fell into a pattern of pursuing external things to quiet my internal condition, whether it be a new job, a new location, or a new relationship.  

I thought I was making choices, but in reality I was chasing after the illusion of serenity and peace I found that night at the party.  Alcohol used to be called spirit, and I think there is something to that notion of being drunk on a substance and overcome or "drunk" through a spiritual experience. 

 

I chased false spirits and temporary spiritual experiences to escape my past.  In my college years, I often mediated to check out or bliss out, and idealized a mental/spiritual state, where everything would become easy.  

When I came to L'Arche GWDC in June 2011, on the surface it looked like I had everything together.  I had just graduated from a prestigious seminary and had a Masters of Divinity.  I was now a spiritual expert and far more than just an ordinary assistant.  However, on the inside I was falling apart.  I had not accepted the past, could not really live in the present, and the future looked like a burden to be endured.  

I was so critical of everything and everyone, even the very community that was providing a safe space for me to fall apart.  If you told me then that I would be grateful for the experience of unravelling at the seams and be slowly put together with a help of a community and a loving God, I would have told you to go "f*#k" yourself.  I was so bitter.  Somehow my life was not what it should be, and no one saw my potential.  Something was wrong, and it must be because I was a victim of life , my parents, friends, and even my L'Arche community were against me.  I could not distinguish from the truth and the false.  

Lucky for me, I hit a bottom, where I asked another person for help, which was an outer sign of an inner surrender to a power greater than me. I was in so much internal and some physical pain that I wa willing to try something else.  During this time, a spiritual friend told me to start writing 6 things I was grateful for everyday and text it to him.  Needless to say, I found it impossible to be grateful for anything, because everything pretty much sucked. But gradually I found things in my life that I as grateful for, even the unpleasant and sad feelings, because it meant I was living a life.  I have continued this practice for over three years and it's helped me tremendously live in a state of gratitude that Henri Nouwen described.  Somedays I fall short, but I make an attempt to move towards acceptance, and thus towards gratitude.

Little by little I am becoming a little more free, where the past no longer holds be back from the past.  I no longer live in the future to escape the here and now.  With God's help I can use all of my experiences to help others.

Today, I am grateful I was able to spend the day with my daughter and my brother, and I was able to communicate through a miscommunication with my wife. A few years ago I could not fathom having a real relationship with my brother, because I was so checked out and absent in the lives of the people who loved me.  I also was uable to talk through my feelings with another human being, and today I am able to talk and be vulnerable with another person without totally shutting down.  These are small tangible signs of saying yes to what Fr. Henri called "radical commitment to a life in God's service."  I have learned that commitment is not a grand ideal or gestures, but saying yes to tiny little moments that draw us towards true connection.  Real connections can be frightening, because it means we allow others to truly see us as we are.  I know I still struggle with believing that I am deserving of love, but when I connect to a loving God, my heart is able to welcome everything as a free gift with deep gratitude.