"Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen. Tensions come from conflicts within each person--conflicts born out of a refusal of personal and community growth, conflicts between individual egoisms, conflicts arising from a diminishing gratuite, from a clash of temperaments and from individual psychological difficulties. These are natural tensions. Anguish is the normal reaction to being brought up against our own limitations and darkness, to the discovery of our own deep wound...There are a thousand reasons for tension. And each of them brings the whole community, as well as each individual member of it, face to face with its own poverty, inability to cope, weariness, aggression and depression. These can be important times if we realize that the treasure of the community is in danger. When everything is going well, when the community feels it is living successfully, its members tend to let their energies dissipate, and to listen less carefully to each other. Tensions bring people back to the reality of helplessness; obliging them to spend more time in prayer and dialogue, to work patiently to overcome the crisis and refind lost unity; making them understand that the community is more than just a human reality, that it also needs the spirit of God if it is to live and deepen." --Jean Vanier (120, Community and Growth)
I think of myself as a caring and loving person, and yet at times I find myself deeply self-centered and selfish. I don't set out to be selfish or self-centered, but it often starts with "Yes, but..." or "Well, you could have said it this way..." My need to be right sometimes gets in the way of unity within my current community, my life with my wife, Jocelyn and our 8 months old daughter, Winnie. I have been experiencing these tensions that Jean Vanier described in the quote above, and they do indeed bring me a place of what he calls "reality of helplessness," or what I choose to call an experience of powerlessness. I lack the power sufficient to solve the problem of my own making, which is my aversion to growth and change; when I deny this fundamental reality of life, change, then I experience pain and suffering.
I agree with Jean that the movement from tension, conflict, to growth comes from opening to a power greater than ourselves, which he calls the spirit of God and what I choose to call the Divine Presence. My own deep wounds come out, as I share my life on a daily basis with the people I love and that love me. Sometimes, our wounds rub up against each other, and we react out of fear and pain. I experienced the discomfort of my wounds being rubbed at L'Arche Daybreak and then at L'Arche GWDC, when I shared my life with other members of our community. One conflict I had early on as an assistant at Euclid House was over dishes with another assistant, and he had soaked by beloved cast iron skillet in soap! I am not sure why something so small, evoked so much anger in me, but it also brought out anger in him when I confronted him about it. We were eventually able to work it out, slowly but surely, and talk through our tensions and own inner conflicts. We realized that we were both hearing the voices of critical father figures.
I am no longer at L'Arche, but I find myself reliving the lessons I learned in community within my life as a husband and as a new father in Richmond, VA. I am learning that I cannot make decisions on my own, because my actions affect the whole family. I know this seems very simple, but seeing that I cannot act selfishly and that I have to choose unity of the whole does not come easy for me. I sometimes want to make my own choices and not run it by my wife, or just drag my daughter along to activities I want to do. On most days I do not make these selfish choices, but it sometimes takes a lot of prayer and dialogue to make this happen. I also fall prey to going on rants or long winded monologues with my wife, instead of actually opening myself to listen with love.
Most people see me as a nice and polite person, and it's true that I can be very nice and polite. However, sometimes underneath my layer of quiet politeness, lies a deep seated anger and frustration. I am slowly learning to express anger and frustration in healthy ways, along with other feelings and verbalizing other range of emotions. I feel like a immature teenager when it comes to communicating feelings, and navigating conflict.
I am currently working on getting accredited as a chaplain, and the experiences as a chaplain intern and course work has been very helpful in exploring naming tensions within myself and groups that I am part of. I still find tensions between people, whether it be with me and someone else, or tension among people I am with very uncomfortable. But lately, I am learning to stay put and listen deeply, and patiently explore ways to clear up miscommunication. Hopefully I can allow the Divine Presence to live and deepen within my life and deepen my commitment to the folks around me. What a blessing it is to share life with Jocelyn and baby Winnie.
published 7/19/15
I think of myself as a caring and loving person, and yet at times I find myself deeply self-centered and selfish. I don't set out to be selfish or self-centered, but it often starts with "Yes, but..." or "Well, you could have said it this way..." My need to be right sometimes gets in the way of unity within my current community, my life with my wife, Jocelyn and our 8 months old daughter, Winnie. I have been experiencing these tensions that Jean Vanier described in the quote above, and they do indeed bring me a place of what he calls "reality of helplessness," or what I choose to call an experience of powerlessness. I lack the power sufficient to solve the problem of my own making, which is my aversion to growth and change; when I deny this fundamental reality of life, change, then I experience pain and suffering.
I agree with Jean that the movement from tension, conflict, to growth comes from opening to a power greater than ourselves, which he calls the spirit of God and what I choose to call the Divine Presence. My own deep wounds come out, as I share my life on a daily basis with the people I love and that love me. Sometimes, our wounds rub up against each other, and we react out of fear and pain. I experienced the discomfort of my wounds being rubbed at L'Arche Daybreak and then at L'Arche GWDC, when I shared my life with other members of our community. One conflict I had early on as an assistant at Euclid House was over dishes with another assistant, and he had soaked by beloved cast iron skillet in soap! I am not sure why something so small, evoked so much anger in me, but it also brought out anger in him when I confronted him about it. We were eventually able to work it out, slowly but surely, and talk through our tensions and own inner conflicts. We realized that we were both hearing the voices of critical father figures.
I am no longer at L'Arche, but I find myself reliving the lessons I learned in community within my life as a husband and as a new father in Richmond, VA. I am learning that I cannot make decisions on my own, because my actions affect the whole family. I know this seems very simple, but seeing that I cannot act selfishly and that I have to choose unity of the whole does not come easy for me. I sometimes want to make my own choices and not run it by my wife, or just drag my daughter along to activities I want to do. On most days I do not make these selfish choices, but it sometimes takes a lot of prayer and dialogue to make this happen. I also fall prey to going on rants or long winded monologues with my wife, instead of actually opening myself to listen with love.
Most people see me as a nice and polite person, and it's true that I can be very nice and polite. However, sometimes underneath my layer of quiet politeness, lies a deep seated anger and frustration. I am slowly learning to express anger and frustration in healthy ways, along with other feelings and verbalizing other range of emotions. I feel like a immature teenager when it comes to communicating feelings, and navigating conflict.
I am currently working on getting accredited as a chaplain, and the experiences as a chaplain intern and course work has been very helpful in exploring naming tensions within myself and groups that I am part of. I still find tensions between people, whether it be with me and someone else, or tension among people I am with very uncomfortable. But lately, I am learning to stay put and listen deeply, and patiently explore ways to clear up miscommunication. Hopefully I can allow the Divine Presence to live and deepen within my life and deepen my commitment to the folks around me. What a blessing it is to share life with Jocelyn and baby Winnie.
published 7/19/15
Thank you. Food for my soul.
ReplyDeletethank you.
DeleteThank you for sharing your own spiritual growth we all need to practice. Counting blessings isn't easy thing to do at a certain moment because we forget who we are with & for. Pray for you and your family!
ReplyDelete