getting Winnie to nap: lessons in humility

I've faced many challenges in my life: depression, paying taxes, getting beyond suicidal iterations, finding a job, and etc.  But none of them compare to getting a little baby to nap on her bed.  :)

Winnie loves to nap on my chest, but based on the wisdom of all the parents before me and especially at the suggestion of my lovely wife, I am trying to be consistent about teaching her how to nap in her own bed.  The problem arises a few minutes after I lay her down, and she abruptly wakes up either smiling and laughing or screaming and wailing. 

What does this have to do with spirituality?  There's nothing like a lesson in humility and a call to practice love and tolerance like the presence of a young infant.  I am learning a lesson that my life in community keeps teaching me, which is that I cannot control other people.  However, I can try to be centered and stable inside, so I can show up on a consistent basis. 

The other day, my daughter and I napped in our bed for a whole freaking hour.  It was amazing, and especially needed because she had woken up around 3:30 that morning.  I am learning that we are called to love and practice love, even when we are sleep deprived and tired, and I feel like I have nothing to give.

I never thought I was a rigid person, but I've realized as this lovely new person is constantly changing my routine that I have doggedly become a creature of habit.  I want things to happen when I want them to, even when I have a roughly fluid schedule.  I am working on this with my wife practicing love and tolerance with me.  I don't always see how selfish I am being.  I'll offer up a story to illustrate.  Few months after Winnie was born, we planned to visit our friends in DC.  I had organized a lunch with friends and also set up a place for us to stay, and sort of roughly mapped out what we'd do that weekend.  The night before we were going on the trip, Winnie was not feeling well and I was also starting to feel slightly not so well.  I sort of threw a tantrum when my wife Jocelyn told me we probably should not go tomorrow.

I was really upset and could not get past the plans I had made.  My plans became more important than the people right in front of me, and even my own body telling me to rest.  The morning came and my daughter was snottier and I was worse, and I finally had the sense to realize that my wife was wise and spoke the truth.  It is so humbling to admit that you are wrong, and then the hard part is trying to change and not repeat the same mistake.

Winnie's naps similar to the story I shared, is another experience of me not being able to control the situation or a person.  Little babies have good days and bad, and my job is to show up with an open heart.   Laugh when my daughter wakes up smiling and laughing, and soothe her when she wakes up crying.  Back to this great experiment called parenting...   :) 

   

prayer and meditation

I have been practicing some form of meditation since 1999, my first year as an undergraduate at UNC-Chapel Hill.  I read a book on Taoist meditation techniques and started sitting.  I then I about Zen and started sitting zazen.  My meditation practice was off and on until 2008, when I entered a Methodist seminary in Durham, NC.  I began to be interested in contemplative practices within the Christian church and sought out a mentor for Centering Prayer and started a centering prayer group along with new friends at seminary.  I would say that my love for contemplatives started initially when I discovered Taoist sages, Zen monks, Hindu ascetics, and later early Church Fathers and Mothers. 

I was drawn to the writings of Thomas Merton and encountered Trappist Monks when I was in seminary during a spiritual retreat.  I used to visit Mepkin Abbey (http://mepkinabbey.org/wordpress/) on a more regular basis, and spent a month there as a Monastic Guest while in seminary.  My last year in seminary, I became Catholic.  I tell people that I came into the Catholic Church through the back door, being pulled by the contemplatives of the monastic tradition.

Currently, I am a member of the Religious Society of Friends.  In the eyes of the Catholic Church, I remain Catholic, and only a confession away to be an upstanding member.   

My prayer life consists of daily starting my day with intercessory prayer and silence.  I have set prayers I have memorized, and I go through them to open my heart and mind to the will of a God of my understanding.  I prefer the Quaker term of Divine Presence.  I then sit in silence about 20 minutes, and sometimes invoking the sacred word as taught by Fr. Keating in practicing centering prayer if I get distracted.  I intersperse my prayer life with zazen, more specifically a sitting practice called shikantaza, which roughly translates to just sitting.  I became more disciplined in my sitting while I was in seminary, and often sat with the Buddhist student group.

As a father of a 4 months old daughter, I've had to be little more flexible with my prayer life and meditation practice.  When I awake in the morning, I am often waking up to my daughter getting up to start her day.  I usually change her diaper, read to her, play with her and sing to her about an hour before she takes her first nap of the day.  I pray and meditate while holding her.  I am sitting on a couch rather than on a meditation cushion.  My sitting on a zafu has been irregular, but I still try to just sit when I hold my daughter on my couch.

My night time prayer has been also more fluid and flexible.  I rarely sit on the cushion, but I try to pray and do some deep breathing as I lay in our bed.  I try to open myself to my body sensations, to my own breath and the breathing of my daughter and wife. 

I will try to return to a more disciplined meditation practice, especially with the sitting posture on the zafu once my daughter sleeps through the night [keep your figures crossed :)].